I thought it was pretty pointless to write out my birth stories. I'm a bit..... uh.. bitter about them. The births, not what came from them. I've been struggling for the last 7 month to "get over" my guilt and disappointment of how my labor and deliver played out. I've cried, I've been angry and I've been sad. I've been jealous of other moms and feel hypocritical for preaching the positives of natural birthing. On top of that, I've felt guilty for feeling all of this when, after all, I have two beautiful, healthy babies. After reading, Rethinking the First C-Section, I realize my feeling are normal and pretty common. I'm excepting what happened, I can't change the past. I want to focus on the facts that I successfully created and carried two little humans, that became my heart and soul.
Jaxon Nicholas
At around 35 weeks my blood pressure started to rise. At my 38 week appointment (July 17th), my blood pressure was very high again. I was also so swollen it was too painful to even put on flip flops. They must have checked it 12 times before deciding to send me up to Labor and Delivery for monitoring. They were also worried because Jaxon wasn't moving much. While in Triage, hooked up to every gadget and monitor available, they told me my situation and options. They told me if Jaxon's movements didn't increase and my blood pressure stayed high that I would be induced that night. *My first regret. Here's where I look back and wish I changed everything. I was terrified. I was "prepared" to give birth, meaning... I read a few books and was half way through our birthing classes (opps, should have signed up earlier). I was not mentally prepared, and I definitely didn't consider after 38 perfectly healthy weeks that anything could go wrong. I regret being naive and uninformed, especially about being induced. I wish I could have been sent home and tried natural ways of relaxing. A bright, loud hospital room with wires and monitors all over me is not a way to relax.
Nick was at the hospital at this point. After a few hours, my blood pressure was still up there so I was off to have a baby. It was all surreal. I was no where near naturally having a baby, not dilated or effaced at all. So, I was given some drugs and more drugs and more drugs to force me into labor. Nick had to help me in and out of bed and unhook me from all the machines every 15 minutes when I had to go to the bathroom. The only "real" part of labor was around 5:30 am when I got up and my water broke. Haha.. I was afraid I had peed on the floor so I started to clean up until I realized what it was.. haha... oh me. Contractions were picking up but sometime in the early afternoon, after around 8 hours of labor, my doctor was concerned about Jaxon's lack of movement and that his heart rate was sky rocketing with every contraction (yeah, duh.... I was pumped full of medicine to put me in labor when my baby wasn't ready.) I was told that "If this wasn't my first baby, then I could try longer" but for the "safety" of my baby (which, I feel he wouldn't have been in "trouble" if things were handled differently in the first place) I was going to have a c-section to get him out of there. I feel I was truly on someone's schedule. Why wait around for this baby to come out when they could just cut him out and get on with their weekend?
I was numbed up and sent to the OR. I was nervous, but still didn't have my head wrapped around the situation. While being wheeled down the hall I started crying and getting nervous. Still crying, I was alone with the doctor and nurses in the OR. Nick had to stay out while they got me ready. The anesthesiologist wiped my tears and comforted me. This breaks my heart, this is not what I pictured. If at any point I was scared, I imagined Nick there... I never thought he would have to be in a different room at any point. On a funny note, Nick had to go in barefoot because those shoe covers wouldn't fit over his shoes (well, he had to wear the covers over his feet). haha.. THAT was the most natural part of my whole delivery ;)
They cut me open and yanked out my baby (beautiful, right?). I didn't hear him cry. Nick wasn't taking pictures of the baby anymore. There was a strange feeling in the room and all I could do was lay there while they had my baby over on a table, 15 feet away from me. I tease Nick now because he was standing in the way of my view. After, what felt like 20 minutes but was really only 2, I heard my baby boy for the first time. He was born at 2:13 pm on July 18th, weighing 4 pounds, 11 oz.
They put me back together and flopped me onto the bed I would stay in for the next 3 days. I finally held my baby after all this time. But I was out of it. I was freezing and shaking so bad that I was terrified of dropping him. The next few days was spent recovering from a surprise surgery and not bonding. The moment I remember the most and consider becoming a mother is the first nights home. We were in our space, surrounded by our things and I had my baby with me. Those nights spent starring at this sleepless, tiny newborn was when I changed to a mom. :)
